Not My Remnant
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: So. Remnant. Well, well, well. Color me intrigued. Where has this little jewel been hiding? Doesn't matter, I suppose. I know just where to start. With the queen of darkness herself. So start up the parade and watch the light fade. Life's all just one big charade. They'll never know what hit them. Part of the Not Going Home series. Narutoxharem. Humor and hijinks abound!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: EDIT: I've already deleted fifteen flamers saying nothing but curse words as of posting this. This story has been out...what, five minutes? Gods, that gets depressing after awhile. Guess this story isn't really liked by people...I understand...**

**T_T**

**ALSO! A WARNING!**

**Try not to take this story too seriously.**

**This is part of the "Not Going Home" series after all.**

**Its meant to cause chaos, make you laugh, and question your sanity.**

**Expect RWBY: Chibi levels of humor and insanity here...just not with the chibi models themselves. ****In any case, since everyone seems to be clamoring for a nonsensical version purely full of chaos, puns, and shenanigans, lets have it! HERE! ****As I said earlier is going to be the last NarutoxRWBY story for awhile, I've got updates to write and work to do.**

**Spoilers for...well. Just about everything.**

**I own no references or quotes.**

**Only this silly little idea.**

_"Good or evil. Black and white. Light and shadow._

_They say you can find the measure of man in their choices._

_Isn't that a little biased, though? Men and women are capable of great good..._

_...or unholy acts of evil. From mortal to god, human to beast, we each make our own choices._

_Hmm? Me? I chose chaos. Life's so much more...vivid when you don't know what's going to happen next. Wouldn't you agree?"_

**~?**

**Mother of ****Madness**

_So._

_Remnant._

_Well, well, well._

_Color me intrigued._

_Where has this little jewel been hiding?_

_Say what you will about this place; for all their cruelty and savagery, the people here are capable of great things. It doesn't change the fact that its still a realm of hunters and monsters. Of might and magic. And weapons. Which are also guns. Mostly. But the monsters here? They're tame compared to what I see. __You want to see real terror? Visit the world of Bloodborne. Those blasted bloody THINGS make these Grimm look like puppies by comparison. But in any case, I digress. We were talking about the world of Remnant and RWBY weren't we? This__ world's unlike any other I've seen before._

_A world of of infinite possibility._

_So what's a wandering God to do when he blunders into it?_

_Anything he wants, really. That's the crux of the matter, you see._

_There aren't any Gods in this world; well, there were, but not anymore. Seems they left this world behind ages ago. I have no intention of being one in their stead. Nor do I intend to take their place. Nope. Where's the fun in that? Light and dark are all well and good, but I prefer...grey. Rigid moral standards are for mortals. Where's the fun in choosing a side when you can play EVERY side against the other and watch the madness unfold? I can't think of a better way to spend a vacation. What? Don't give me that look. I'm not the villain here. I'm just a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what do with one if I caught it! So, lets think about this. Prank war? No, too easy. Too simple. Food fights? Tempting, but we need something...more. _

_And wouldn't you know it? I know just where to start. In the shade._

_So lets start up the parade and watch the light fade._

_Its all just one big charade._

* * *

**(...0o0o0...)**

* * *

_"Would you like to play a game, my dear?"_

Those words came out of nowhere, echoing in the blackened halls of her castle to mock Salem for her every sin.

Initially, the Mother of Grim wanted nothing more than to dismiss the voice outright when she first entered her chambers; to dismiss it as a mere figment of her imagination. An illusion born from her weary mind. She must be seeing things, surely. No one -not even Cinder herself- was fool enough to speak to her in such a way. She was in no mood for games this early in the morn', least of all with some sly stranger. The very _notion _that someone had the gall to do such almost amused her; in that she'd relish tearing the flesh from their bones as she savored their screams.

Alas, it was not to be. No amount of blinking would banish the garish scene before her.

Orange.

Every facet of color had been bleached the most hideous and obnoxious shade known to man. He'd drenched the entire room in it; from the floor to the tables and chairs down to the high, overarching ceiling. Not even the windows were spared, rendered opaque by copious amounts of paint. Her mouth twitched slightly at the sight, the sole sign of her outward displeasure. Inwardly? She wanted to reach out and snap his neck.

And he was in her seat.

Her.

_Seat._

Sprawled out at the head of the long table like some redolent monarch, the newcomer raised a bottle in merry salute before pouring out a glass for himself. Her nose wrinkled at the faint scent of alcohol. The last thing she needed was some drunkard wandering about her castle. This thought caused her to stride towards him, intent upon removing this stain.

"Immortality's a bitch, isn't?" he began to hum as she strode forward, idly swirling the glass in place. "Its never quite what we expect it to be, and damn near impossible to get rid of."

"You," Salem began with a venomous purr, "Have three seconds to fix this room and get out of _my_ chair before I do _things_ to you."

A golden brow arched. "Oh, darling. Don't threaten me with a good time."

The doors crashed shut behind her with an audible crunch.

"Alright, alright. Spoilsport." Tan fingers snapped.

And the room _rippled._

It was as if someone simply reached out and flipped a switch. All the world blurred before her very eyes, draining the obscene colors from Salem's view to replace them with the darker shades she'd so come to favor. Even the windows were restored to their former glory. She glimpsed a flock of Grimm wheeling about outside and briefly considered bringing them down on his head. It would be so easy-

"I'd rather you didn't." the stranger's drawling voice interjected itself into her thoughts. "You'd make quite the mess of your little castle."

This time, Salem regarded the stranger with newfound intent when he spoke, pausing to actually note his features.

At a glance this intruder looked to be little more than a jester wearing a horned hat; bright blue eyes famed by whiskered cheeks and messy blond hair. Indeed, her first instinct was to think of him as some fanciful fool clad in a coat of many colors-predominately navy and emerald, oddly enough-with not a single spark between his brain cells. It was only his smile that warned otherwise. It didn't quite reach his eyes - that told her all she needed to know. A wise man once said fools were harmless, but beware the man who plays the fool. For all his prattling and prancing, this was no simpleton. Those _were _horns growing out of his head, nasty curved things, cruel and scarlet.

How had he found his way here?

Nevermind the arduous journey to her dark kingdom, the Grimm should have stopped him long ago. Or sensed him, at the very least. She saw through their eyes; she should've noticed him sooner. No, more than that - member of her own inner circle was here, even now present in her castle. Surely they wouldn't have let him pass without a fight; a fight she would've heard. It didn't make any sense. Not even Tyrian was so mad as to grant passage to someone like this. Which begged the question? Where were they?

"If you're worried about the rest of your pets, don't be." perhaps sensing her thought -had he read her mind again?- the stranger hummed and stood up to make way for her. "I only killed two of them on my way here. You can have your seat back. And _these."_

Before she could think to as what he was up to, the whiskered warrior dipped a hand into his cloak and extracted a pair of...

...oh.

A flick of his wrist sent the severed heads of Tyrian and Watts tumbling across the floor to land at her feet. Their stunned faces gaped up at her, frozen in their final moments of agony. Salem felt nothing for them beyond a vague annoyance at having lost such a useful pair. Tyrian could be easily replaced of course, but Watts was useful. He would've been instrumental when it came time to bring Atlas down...now this vagabond waltzed into her home and she found that plan turned to so much dust in her palms. Still, her brief pall of anger was overshadowed by one of curiosity.

Anyone who could kill so casually might be useful to her, and so she throttled back her rage. Just a touch. "Is there a reason you killed two of my top lieutenants?"

"Of course there was." the young man scoffed. They annoyed me."

Ohhh, she took that back. She wanted to grind him into dust. It was only his previous display that kept her from making the attempt.

Sure enough, her "guest" noticed.

"Keeping your cool, eh? Good. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Besides, you're better off without them, really." came the shrug. "The mustachioed one wouldn't stop prattling on about how great he was. As to the scorpion...well." As she looked on a fresh glass materialized in his hand with the faintest shimmer of light. "I know crazy when I see it. This world won't miss him; I suspect you don't at that." the fainest shimmer shone in those wild blue eyes as he leaned back to regard her. "Do you even care about anyone or anything, anymore?"

Something snapped.

Fury seized control of Salem's body before she could stop herself; even as she snarled, a single swing of her right hand separated the man's head from his shoulders in a pale arc. It was a good strike all things considered; simple and clean. Quick and lethal. Efficient. Her guest made no move to resist or even defend himself; his body simply crumpled like a puppet severed from its strings to hit the floor. A small, victorious smile plucked upon the corner of her mouth as she watched his head bounced away, accompanied by a geyser of blood.

"C'mon, now! I just washed that coat!"

And yet he didn't die.

Much to Salem's dismay, his headless body righted itself not a heartbeat later and retrieved the man's fallen skull. A simple wrench reattached it to his neck with supernatural ease, where flesh flowed like milk to recover and restore the ghastly tear he'd left behind. He could have attacked her in that instant; gods knew she wouldn't have expected it; could have at least _tried _to strike her down while she appeared vulnerable. He made no such move; rather, the whiskered warrior instead vaulted onto the table to alight in a pointed crouch before her.

Salem took the opportunity to tear him into pieces this time.

"Will you stop that?!" her guest yelped.

Sure enough, the same cycle repeated itself in its ghastly fashion. Under her watchful eye his body flailed for a bit, recovered what lost limbs it could, and simply regenerated the rest. Only then, when it was reasonably whole, did it find the stranger's head and don it once more. Well. That settled her suspicions for the time being. Once Salem might have been dismissed as a foul fluke or an illusion; but she'd seen it twice now with her own eyes. She could still see his blood dripping from her hands, feel it on her fingers. Even little Emerald couldn't sustain an illusion for this long. Not to this degree. Seeing it firsthand both alarmed and disturbed her.

Thus, the Goddess of Grimm arched an elegant eyebrow. "You're...immortal?"

"No. I just_ enjoy _being torn to bits." he sketched a stilted bow.

"And who are you?" she pressed with a frown.

"The proud lord said," Whiskered cheeks dimpled in a small smile as he retorted, "That I must bow so low...

_"Excuse me?"_

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself. That's a favorite quote of mine." a clawed hand rose in a swatting motion to wave her concerns away. "Now then, if its names you're after, I'll give you mine...so long as you refrain from doing that again." Regardless of her intentions, the newcomer introduced himself in short order. "Uzumaki Naruto, wandering god and prankster extraordinaire, at your service. Here's my card."

A full volume sailed straight across the table between them to land neatly in Salem's lap.

Her lips pursed in a frown she wasn't entirely sure that she felt. "This is a book."

"Why, so it is!" the blond tilted his head. "You'll find it quite the read."

She lobbed it back at his smirking face.

Gods above and below, this one was worse than Tyrian; to think she'd actually prefer that simpering idiot. Her patience was beginning to run thin; threads threatening to snap with each passing moment. Or perhaps that was her sanity? She couldn't be sure. If this continued, she was going to kill him again. And again. He'd die over and over.

"What. Do. You. Want." she ground the words through clenched teeth.

A lone finger poked her forehead.

_**"You."**_

Salem actually felt her cold heart skip a beat. "Bold, aren't you?"

"Hardly." his slim shoulders rose and fell in another shrug. "We wouldn't be having this conversation if I didn't think I had a chance with you."

Was this what passed for courtship these days? How quaint. He had her attention, if nothing else. Little more.

"You're going to attack Beacon academy a month or so from now," the horned one continued amicably as he slid into a seat opposite her. "I'd rather you didn't." those eerie blue eyes seemed to dance as he spoke, not in madness or mirth, but rather, with anticipation. "You see, I have a bit of a...vested interest in its continued existence, as well as those of several students within its walls. So I've come to bargain." Steeped fingers crossed themselves before her as he laid his chin to rest upon them. "Would you be willing to leave them be for now? I'll to make it worth your while if you heard me out."

"And why should I listen to you?" she shot back. "You have nothing to offer me."

His grin reminded her of something she'd rather forget.

Blue eyes narrowed merrily. "Don't I?"

With that single statement, his hands collided in a brilliant burst of light to create the single sharpest snap of sound she'd ever heard; a siren song singing life back into the dead air between the two of them. Despite all of her best efforts, Salem found herself forced to avert her gaze. When it finally faded, he held an ornate golden blue lantern in his hands.

Wait.

She _knew_ that lantern.

"The Relic of Knowledge, fresh from its vault, with none the wiser." much to Salem's delight, Naruto held it aloft for her to grasp. "My gift to you. Free of charge."

She reached out for it-

"If you agree to my terms." he pulled it back.

...what kind of game are you playing at?" Salem scowled.

"The best kind. Mine." he gave her a smile that made what was left of her soul shiver. "You see, I want to play a game with _you, _Salem. Nothing like what you and Oz have going on of course; none of this cat and mouse business you've been on about for the last few centuries. What I'm proposing is quite simple. A contest, if you would. Winner take all."

A cold calm came over her. "I could just take it from you, boy."

"You could." Naruto consented with a sigh, once more tugging the Relic out of reach. "But you wouldn't have it for long. I'm immortal just like you. We could fight for eons and nothing would change. Alternatively, I could simply seal you away somewhere," the young man began to count off on the fingers of his right hand, banish you to a distant galaxy, trap you inside a sun. OR we could have some fun. Something to keep all those boring periods of tedium at bay. What do you say to a little wager?"

"Suppose I listen to you." she tilted her head. "What would the rules of this wager be?"

He laid them out for her in simple terms, alongside what he intended.

It was...surprisingly simple, all things considered. "And if I win?"

_"You get everything." _he beamed._ "_Do we have a deal?"

"I'll need more than just your word to believe you."

Rather than reply, the horned man granted her a toothy grin as he spread his arms. His shadow seemed to stretch out underfoot until it swallowed the entire room whole, all the while twisting into something horrible and bestial as it rose away from its master. Something bearing nine tails. Large enough to swallow her in a single gulp, Salem nevertheless stared it down with a dispassionate eye as its slavering jaws came within but a brush of her. For the first time in a century, she felt a modicum of respect for someone who wasn't an enemy. Perhaps this boy wasn't as pure as he let himself seem. This beast within certainly hinted at something far worse.

With a silent smile, he banished the shadow and offered her his hand.

Salem eyed him like a poisonous snake and immediately cursed herself for her hesitation. What was wrong with her? This arrangement was entirely in her favor. What did she have to lose? He'd already given her a relic; she could just as easily betray him for the rest later. So why did it feel as she were shaking hands with the devil himself? No, surely it was her imagination. Whomever this man was, he had no power over her. She'd humor him for a spell, perhaps even give him this so-called "date" he sought, and then throw him away when she'd used him up.

"Very well, then."

Forcing a false smile, she reached out to grasp his fingers.

Mistakes were made.

No sooner had Salem's hand closed around those clawed digits than a tingle shot through the base of her palm. It began as a small jolt, barely noticeable at first; that soon changed as a series of jagged black lines shot up the length of her arm to sear across her chest, leaving her gasping for breath. Stubbornly she fought to bring herself back under control, but the pain persisted, all but stealing her voice away. When she risked a glare to her arm, she found those eerie black marks staring back at her, threading beneath her gown.

"What...did you...do?!"

"Excellent!" For a fleeting sliver of a second, those eyes seemed to burn silver. "We have an accord. Neither of us can break it upon pain of death...

As he spoke, he peeled back his collar to expose a a livid black mark etched into his chest, bearing the shape of a star.

...and I _do_ mean death. You've got a mark of your own now." he waited patiently as she inspected her own collar. "See? Yours resembles the moon, while mine is the sun." he laughed at her confusion. "Come now, you agreed to this! Consider it insurance, of a sort. If either of us breaks the rules of our little bargain we made...boom. Our souls will be destroyed. Instant eradication. No coming back from that." A snap of his fingers, and the pain beating in her breast abated. "Of course, I've left plenty of loopholes for either of us to exploit. You'll have to be clever about it, my dear. Now then, if there's nothing else..."

In a single swift motion, Naruto rose to his feet and sketched her another bow.

His grin reminded her of a conniving fox.

_ "Let the games begin."_

**A/N: Yes, I'm keeping Naruto's intentions secret for now.**

**Nevermind Salem, Gods, the world of Remnant isn't going to know what hit it, huh. For further clarification, we're just about into Volume 3 as of the time of this chapter. There, that should serve as timeline for anyone wanting to know. Expect to laugh at the craziness ahead.**

** Well, there we are.**

**Sheer hilarity and shenanigans to come~!**

**Feel free to review. Or not. In which case I'll probably die of depression.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy a preview.**

**One or two.**

**Three?**

**(Previews!)**

_"Well, that certainly didn't take long. Why have you returned?"_

_A beat of silence pushed itself between the two of them._

_"StealingEmeraldloveyabye!"_

_Salem bolted upright._

_"BOY!"_

* * *

_"Ha! Prank queen!"_

* * *

_"Gimme back my scythe!"_

_"But its so red and shiiiiiiiiiiiiny!"_

* * *

_...huh. Guess you could say Cinder...FELL."_

_"That was a horrible pun. I hate you."_

* * *

_"Hey there, Maria! Want your real eyes back?"_

_"What in the world?! Where the devil did you come from, boy?!"_

_"Alright, alright. You drive a hard bargain. I'll give you back your youth as a bonus."_

**R&R~!**


	2. Negotiations

**A/N: SPOILERS AHOY!**

**Made a minor mistake, we're technically in the final stages of Volume 2 here.**

** Which brings me to another unfortunate matter. ****If folks don't review a story...well...that makes it hard to write.**

**I'm going to be honest here, because my head is killing me over here -still no word on the potential tumor or whatever the hell is wrong with my skull- and I just don't have it in me to mince words at this ungodly hour. Apparently folks don't like wholesome stories these days, because the latest chapter for All Things Must Die got...nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. I'm not sure if its the site acting up, the review counter being wonky or what, but what I DID receive were trolls and flames.**

**Pretty sure its the same person, or just a group of very dedicated little buggers. **

**Either way, just wanted to put that out there.**

**Sorry about that, everyone.**

**I enjoy hearing from you all. ****But enough about me. ****What's the saying? All's fair in love and war? I'd say that applies nicely to this particular story. If you thought last chapter was mad...well, we up the ante here. Quite a bit at that.**

**And because folks wanted to know the terms of Naruto and Salem's deal, here we are. Ought to clear things up:**

**. First one to woo the other, i.e. make them fall for the other, wins. That's the long and short of it.**

**. They can't interfere DIRECTLY with one another's plans.**

**. They can't just go about killing their pawns either.**

**. Kidnapping, though? That's fair game.**

**. Should Salem win, she gets everything. All of Naruto's powers, the realms he controls, everything.**

**. Should Naruto win, Salem has to renounce her claim on Remnant and basically admit she was wrong. Unlikely? VERY MUCH SO. She's far too stubborn.**

**Naturally, there are loopholes in their agreement, but Lil' Miss Grimm Queen hasn't realized them yet. Naruto DOES of course, because unlike her, he has intimate knowledge of the RWBY universe and what's going to happen up to Volume 7. Even then, he has to follow the rules to some loose extent. Breaking their agreement basically means permadeath...or does it?**

**Now off we go!**

_"Ohhhh, we are going to get along famously."_

_~?_

**Negotiations**

Penny never saw Naruto coming.

How could she?

To begin with, the wandering god had made certain to mask his presence long before he encountered the android-girl in the streets of Vale; even then, he hadn't been searching for her in the first place. Radar or no, she wouldn't have seen him if he were walking right beside her. The fact that he'd encountered her at all was pure luck on his part. He'd simply recognized her -and her guards- amongst the throng of people gathered for the Vytal Festival. If the setting sun hadn't caught her flaming hair, he might have missed her entirely. Well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Against his better judgement, Naruto stopped on a whim and waited for them to stride past him, counted the seconds until she came within his reach, aaaaaaaaand...

_Boop._

A lone finger reached out with liquid grace to touch the leftmost guard between his shoulders, followed soon thereafter by the right. Each hastened their pace and began walking wordlessly, already trapped in an illusion of their own making as they left their charge undefended. He'd done something eerily similar to Emerald not an hour before; but unlike Cinder's crony -who was in for quite a bad time when she came to- these two would wake in their own quarters with no memory of what transpired here. When Penny turned, only just beginning to notice this sudden change in her companions, the horned warrior dropped his camouflage entirely and coughed harshly into a clenched fist.

"Hello, there."

Sure enough, Penny turned to face him.

Innocuous green eyes regarded him curiously as she genuflected and returned his greeting. "Hello! Have we met?"

"Not in this lifetime, I'm afraid." he returned.

"Oh." a blink. "Well. You seem nice."

Naruto fought down a small smile despite himself at the sight of her childlike enthusiasm. Did he dare go through with this? Commit? Stupid question. Of course he dared. God, remember? He'd already made up his mind the moment he laid his eyes on this tiny, innocent creature. She didn't deserve the pain that was barreling her way in a few days time. No one did. So rather than give into his first instinct and simply spirit here away, he plastered a false smile to his face and sketched a bow that would've made a certain gangster proud.

"I'm a friend of Ruby's." deception came to him as easily as breathing these days. "Here you go, kiddo. She wanted me to give you something. "

More lies. He told himself it served a greater purpose. What was a white lie if it spared this girl from the machinations of a madwoman?

In his mind, that made the following series of events all the more worth it.

As she looked on like an eager child he fished a small charm from one of the many pouches on his personage and showed it to her. It was a simple necklace all things considered, at first glance it appeared to be little more than a small green crystal draped upon a bit of silver chain. In reality it was much more. So much more. A one-of-a kind creation. Something he'd been saving for a rainy day. No one would know, nor its purpose, until the time came. Not Penny, not Pyrrha, not Cinder-and certainly not Salem. When the Goddess of Grimm learned what he'd done here today, he'd simply deny it. She couldn't prove anything. Ah, future knowledge. Gotta love it.

"Ooh!" Penny's gaze glittered as she took the necklace with a delighted smile. "Thank you! It looks lovely! I'll put it on right now."

She missed Naruto's smile as she dipped her head in thanks; didn't see his lips twitch as he fought down a laugh. Well. There was one wrong righted. Only dozens more to go.

A fit of whimsy hit him then, and he rolled with it.

"Say, would you like to be friends?"

Penny straightened, lips pursed in mild confusion. "Friends?"

"No, better yet!' Naruto snapped his fingers. "How about siblings?"

...what is a sibling?" when Penny tilted her head again, he nearly glomped her on the spot.

"Eh, think of it as someone who loves you no matter what; someone who watches your back." though she only blinked, the faintest bead of sweat began to run down his brow. "Like a bestie? You know what that is, right?"

"Bes...tie?"

"Best friend." Naruto clarified with a flourish.

It was precisely the best _and _worst thing he could have said; because Penny's green eyes grew wide indeed and she all but began to tremble with excitement. In making that comparison, he'd unknowingly wrenched open a door in her heart. Even a God could be naive he supposed, but why wasn't she saying anything-URK?! Arms! Crushing! Too tight!

"I'd like that very much!"

Naruto's grin threatened to split his face as he patted her head. "Now, then, would you like to help your dear big brother run an errand."

Penny's head bobbed so fast that it nearly fell clean off of her neck. No, wait, there it went. Might want to fix that.

"Good girl. I knew you would." Ha. Loopholes for days. "We're just going to pay someone a visit."

"Is he your friend?" Penny skipped after him when he turned to leave.

"Of course he is." Naruto grinned. "He just doesn't realize it yet."

Another thought occurred to him and he ran with it.

"By the way, want that Volume Seven upgrade?"

Penny pouted. "An upgrade? Whatever for?"

Naruto's grin resembled a shark.

"Everything, of course~!"

* * *

_(...Some Hours Later...)_

* * *

"You're _cracked._ How did you even find this place?"

And with that, Naruto found he just couldn't help himself any longer; he had to laugh at Roman Torchwick. A great and booming cackle at that, one that reverberated off the empty station and crashed into the ceiling like a jackhammer. Despite the blade at his throat -really had to to respect Neo for doing her job- he continued to titter softly to himself even as he kicked his feet up on the man's makeshift desk, heedless of the looks it earned him from the man and the milling members of the White Fang.

"On the contrary, my good fellow! You'll find that I'm quite sane. In this at least." when they didn't immediately execute him, "In about a month's time, you get eaten by a Grimm."

Of course the man didn't believe him. That much was to be expected.

"Bold prediction kid, but I ain't interested in fortune telling." he scoffed. "Neo? Be a dear and dump him with the others, would you? That's a good girl."

"On an Atlas airship in the middle of your little invasion." Naruto clarified smugly. "Bad way to go. Poor little Neo here is so, so distraught."

Sure enough, the gangster's face crinkled with confusion as he shot a glance over the intruder's shoulder. Neo shrugged helplessly-but he caught the silent gleam in mismatching eyes nonetheless; held the implicit plea for him to continue. Damnit. He should. Bloody brat. And yet...something held him back. Not only had this kid come crashing into his base of operation like a hammer, not only had he tried to blow up a certain train, and _not only _was he making him look bad, but he'd begun to spout off things no man should know. Nasty, sordid little details that would lead to a very painful demise on his part should Cinder ever get wind of them.

And so he stayed his hand.

...you little mook. How did you know that?"

"Because believe it or not, I'm here to help you, Roman." his guest purred, leaning forward, uncaring of the blade against his skin. "Well, _we_ are."

Alright, fine. He'd bite. Just this once. "Just who the hell are _you_ supposed to be?"

The horned man-faunus?-beamed at him. "I'm Naruto. That's my little sister over there, Penny. I believe you've met."

"Am I helping, Naruto?" a familiar voice inquired.

"Quite so!" he called back. "Just a few more minutes, sweetheart! You're doing great! Stand there and look menacing!"

Roman's visible eye betrayed him as he heard a familiar voice. His pupil was visibly _twitching_ by the time the blond indicated the flame-haired waif lingering on his right, surrounded by skittish men. Oh, he knew her. Damn kid had wrecked his operation once already. She could've slaughtered half the base in an instant even now; she only stood still on the blond's request. As he looked on, she spotted him and waved. How could a pretty smile hide something so dangerous?

Torchwick twitched. "She looks a little different than I remember."

"Meh," Slim shoulders rolled in a shrug. "Gave her an upgrade. Poor thing deserved it. But you asked who I am, Roman?"

He leaned forward again.

"Think of me as the little devil on your shoulder," he purred, "That tiny voice in the back of your head that whispers "yes" when you really oughta say "no". I'm the _mook _as you so eloquently put it, who's going to turn this world upside down. The right way. And unlike your boss? I can offer you instant, tangible words if you take my deal. As to what I want...well." he chuckled when Neo tried, and failed, to stab him again. "Don't worry there, ice cream. I'll leave you little friend out of this. I've got bigger fish to fry. Do you know the name Salem?"

...should I?"

"Probably best you don't." Naruto conceded with a shrug. "I can't take _direct_ action against her, given the pact we made. Oh, I can slow her down, kidnap her minions, but nothing permanent."

Those eyes gleamed.

"But then I remembered you, Roman!" A high, wild laugh pierced the air as he snatched his cane away from him and threw it back over his shoulder. "You, Roman Torchwick. The Gentleman Thief. You sell your services to the highest bidder, don't you? Now, now, don't deny it. I've got the highest bid yet. So whaddya want? Wine? Wealth? Women? Immortality? Take your pick. I'm willing to give you anything you desire, provided you help me win this little bet."

Tempting. Very tempting. "Just what do you want me to do-

He never had a chance to finish that reply; for Neo rolled her eyes behind him and he blew out a sigh.

Their guest didn't take kindly to that.

"You don't believe me, do you?" the self-proclaimed god offered a bemused smile. "Fine. Demonstration it is. Gimme that~!"

Almost casually, he reached out to the blade that was even now pressed to his throat. In a single movement he ripped it out of the girl's grasp and jammed it against his own forehead with a wet thunk. All parties present flinched, bar Penny. Roman nearly leaped out of his seat when the blond stood, blade still wedged in his skull, to favor him with a scowl. Imagine his surprise then when the young man plucked it right out and handed Neo back her weapon. He'd never seen the poor thing so squeamish in her life. Of course she was. Kid had a bloody hole in his head. And he was still dancing around!

Sinister scarlet slits regarded him intently, capturing Roman's attention once more.

"Well?! Are you going to shake my bloody hand or not?!"

Negotiations went rather swimmingly after that.

**A/N: Sorry if this chapter wasn't what you expected, but Penny really is too pure to ignore.**

**I'm also saving the Maria bit for next chapter. Felt things needed more groundwork. Penny's just too good for this world, and Roman's got a warning...and quite possibly immortality. Wonder if he'll take it. ****There, that's the last of the groundwork, now I can get into the pranks, the chaos, the FOODFIGHTS and everything else. As ever reviews are fuel. I wither and die without them.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review Would You Kindly?**

**Or I might die of misery.**

**Enjoy the previews~!**

**(Previews)**

_"I'm sorry my boy...you just don't get any character development. And I despise bullies."_

_Cardin didn't even have time to scream as the Grimm swarmed him._

**R&R~!**


	3. Blind Justice

** A/N: EDIT: BUZZ OFF WITH THE FLAMES! I'm writing this while I'm cooped up in the house!**

**This is the best I can do at the moment with my health being the way it is.**

**Damnit! I thought I was feeling better!**

** SPOILERS AHOY!**

**Well, that goes without saying, considering all hell has broken loose by now. Naruto certainly delights in causing chaos, doesn't he? I'm still watching Volume Seven of RWBY and some of the choices they characters are making are...well. Just a bit baffling. I'll try not to let it poison the show for me, but still.**

**Had a lot of fun writing this, though I'm still under the weather. **

**Maria Calavera...well. She has potential. Loads of it really.**

**She just needs to get past that fear of hers...with a little bit of deadly mortal combat.**

_"You failed. So what? I've failed more than any living being in existence. __That's the thing about failure. Its an excellent teacher._

_Each time I failed? I got right back up again. __Failure makes you stronger. Failure makes you fierce._

_That is why we fight. __So that we may never fail again. Now get up!"_

_~?_

**Blind Justice**

Maria Calavera considered herself relatively sane.

Well, as sane as an near-blind woman well past her prime _could _be.

After all she'd seen and done in her heyday, all the Grimm she'd killed, she liked to think a little bit of cowardice was acceptable. Her fighting days were long behind her; her body shrunken and hunched, strong bones now old and brittle. These days she took pleasure in the simpler things. Long walks in the countryside, driving others mad, pestering Cordovin whenever she wanted to visit Mantle to get her eyes checked, that sort of thing. It was the little joys in life that kept the retired huntress going. It was a simple life, but it was _her_ life, a quiet cottage removed from the cares of the world. She was content to let the younger generation handle things.

Until someone yanked her out of bed by the scruff of her neck.

"Rise and shine, cupcake." a low voice growled behind her ears. "Its training day."

"What? Let go of me, blast you!" she flailed, searching for her captor. "Who the devil are you?!"

"Ho? Devil, you say?" peals of frigid laughter sent chills shooting down her spine, "Not quite, but close."

_"I said let go!"_

She half-expected her captor to whip her at the nearest wall; but no, he simply walked downstairs, holding her out before him like a naughty kitten. All the while the diminutive woman struggled against him, kicking and scratching for all she was worth, which sadly, wasn't much these days. Her legs rebounded off a broad chest that felt disturbingly like _steel _and the furrows her fingers dug into his hand healed near instantly. She would know. She saw it with her own -albeit slightly faulty- mechanical eyes. What was this creature? By the time they reached the lower foyer, she'd begun to sweat.

An assassin? No, she'd lost her Silver Eyes long ago. What could this _thing _possibly want with her?

In a fit of pique, she reared back and bit his hand. Her captor yelped in surprise.

"Seriously?!" the man's voice warped into a snarl. "Feisty little...!"

So did Maria; because she'd drawn blood just now and acrid tang _burned _her tongue ten times over. Without thinking she swallowed. Mistakes were made. Before, the taste had burned. Now it scalded, briefly leaving her gasping for air like a fish out of water. But at the same time it brought on a rush of strength, a flow of vitality she hadn't felt in age. Her joints ceased aching and her muscles lost the ache that had left her hunched over for the better part of a decade now.

Unfortunately, she _also_ started laughing.

"Oh for the love of me!" her captor graoned. "Did you have to bite?! Now you're gonna be blood drunk for hours."

Much to her surprise her dropped her onto a nearby sofa.

Her eyes must be malfunctioning; they had to be, because this blond buffoon looked like someone out of a fever dream. The horns didn't help. Still, he didn't appear particularly menacing. Those sharp blue eyes followed her every movement, whiskered cheeks dimpled in a small smile. One hand cradled the other, favoring his bitten limb with something akin to annoyance. She'd bitten down hard and he barely looked wounded for it. No, he seemed more amused than anything else...and blurry. Or perhaps that was just her vision.

"So, Maria!" his smile floored her. "Lets make a deal. Want your real eyes back?"

...why ar' there three of you?" she slurred.

Naruto's mouth clicked open. He snapped it shut.

"You know what? Screw it!" a hand rose as she swayed in place thrice over. "I'll give you back your youth as a bonus. Just don't start singing."

Maria squinted at him. "I didn't understan' a woooooord of that."

...I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should."

And then there was pain.

A wave of heat and flame and life slammed into Maria like a tidal wave, blasting the drunken old biddy from her feet to send her cartwheeling knocking her over the couch and out of sight. Whatever it was, whatever he'd done to her, it burned right through the pleasant hazed that enveloped her senses. Oh, did it_ burn._ She felt her body stiffen and stretch. Grey faded from her hair as her body wriggled and writhed and her eyes...there were no words for what transpired there, for the sheer blistering agony of having organic tissue pushing through cybernetics.

Someone was screaming, a young, shrill sound that had no business emerging from a human throat.

_'Oh, wait.'_ Maria experienced a sudden flash of bitterness and epiphany. _'That's me, isn't it?'_

"Oops." she heard her captor grunt. "Might've overdone it here. Let me fix that."

Without words or warning, the pain ceased, causing her to clamor upright with a gasp. Something told her she'd suffer a terrible fate if she lay there like a lemming. Where once a ruined crone had fallen behind the couch, a young woman emerged. A young woman's face scowled back at him, Silver Eyes wide and murderous with light. What sorcery was this? Her old outfit was a ruin, little more than threadbare navy rags now clinging to the hardened yet still shapely form of a warrior, but try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to care. Only two words came to the fore and she flung them at her guest like a curse.

_"You brute!"_

"Naruto, but that'll do." the intruder sketched a bow. "Welcome back, Grimm Reaper."

She didn't even have the words to challenge him. "I...you...how...

"Magic?" he beamed. "Speaking of which, catch."

Life and Death -her old weapons- sailed at her head in silent repose before she could condemn him again. Without thinking she snatched them out of the air, hefting her treasured tools as one might a priceless pair of gem necklaces. Spirits, they looked just as she remembered them to be. They weren't even broken anymore. It was too much to take in, too much happening at once. She could barely think, much less comprehend it all.

"Now we've got to fix that cowardice of yours."

The attack hit without warning; One moment Maria been staring at the smooth skin of her hands; in the next, a boot cannoned into her chest and launched her into the tundra.

Scraping herself out of the snow, she struggled upright. "What are you even doing?!"

"Recruiting most, screwing with Salem's plans."

"You...you're mad."

"Lady," Blue eyes narrowed. "I just gave a wanted criminal_ immortality._ I give no fucks! Now, then."

Naruto stalked after her.

"Fight me."

She backed up. "What? No."

He shoved her. "I said fight me."

"I'm not going to fight some random fool-

"No?" His gaze blazed. "Then fight me or die. Either way? We're going to beat the fear right out of you. Here and now."

Life and Death whirred into a block a heartbeat before his hand would have found her head. Even then her weapon creaked ominously as he pushed against it, a sullen reminder of her weakness. Her youth and vitality had been restored to her, but her skills had not. She'd grown too old. Too rusty. Her movements were sluggish and slow when they should have been a razor's edge. Still, her Semblance flared and she flashed into a whirling dervish of tan and blue before his eyes, hooking her kama around to cut deeply into his shoulder.

"Use the fear! Master it! Don't let it control you!"

Maria cut at his legs and received a backhand for her trouble. "Can't you just-

"No." she narrowly blocked a swing with her forearm, though the blow left her arm numb on the follow through. "I swore a long time ago that I'd never influence people like that." he swatted away her counter-strike and headbutted her, sending her world and body reeling. "I may be a meddling god, but the decisions you people make? Those belong to you. Giving you back your skills was something done to your body, not the mind. NOW SHOW ME THE GRIMM REAPER!"

Death raked across the back of his shoulder, drawing a startled laugh.

"Better." the world was a growl as he tore her weapon free. "But not enough. You're still afraid."

"Of course I'm afraid!" She yelped, twirling her weapons into a staff to block a kick at her legs. "You're trying to kill me!"

"Trying?" His grin turned feral. "No, no, no, I'll do much worse if you don't block this next attack. Or dodge. Whichever comes naturally."

Maria never had a chance to respond to that jab; because his right arm shot forward, swirling with blue light. A whirring noise snarled in her ear and something snapped. This was it. She couldn't see past that whirling raw azure vortex hurtling toward her face. She was going to die. Just like that. Her life snuffed out for nothing. For no one. No. Not again. Not like this. Never again. She heard herself scream, felt her eyes begin to burn with power. Maria didn't think. Didn't feel. She just moved, twisting out of the way, hooking his outstretched arm with one of her scythes, until, with a vicious upward slice-

"Argh?!"

Blood spattered across her face. It wasn't her own.

And for the first time since she'd met him, Naruto growled in pain.

It was only for a moment, just an instant; a sliver of a snarl that sounded like an avalanche tumbling down the mountainside. He doubled over, gasping for breath as he clutched at the ruined stump that had once been his right arm. Maria mirrored him, falling into a low crouch as the severed limb tumbled over her shoulder. She wasn't alarmed when he grew the limb back; if anything, she'd grown numb to it all. Oh, the fear was still there; beating against her breast like a wild beast-but she'd tempered it. Contained it. Channeled it into strength. Alongside something else. She'd bested him, however briefly; it was a heady feeling.

_She wanted to feel it again._

"Get up."

Naruto blinked.

"That's more like it."

With a roar, he lunged at her.

**A/N: Nothing like a bit of mortal danger to bring your fighting instincts back.**

**Now the games can begin. Don't think Salem's staying silent either, she's gone to work as well...in her own way. ****As ever, look forward to the pranks, the chaos, the FOODFIGHTS and everything else. As ever reviews are fuel. I wither and die without them.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review Would You Kindly?**

**Or I might die of misery.**

**Enjoy the previews~!**

**And the Omake.**

**(Omake)**

_It just wasn't fair._

_Cardin utter the blackest of oaths as he tumbled to his feet and nearly lost his head in the rolling. __Sharp fangs nipped at his arse, drawing a yelp from the near-naked boy. __He'd woken here in the Emerald Forest -in the middle of the night!- with nothing but his breeches and his weapon; though he supposed he ought to be grateful the later- now __Executioner swung wildly too and fro; focus and form all but forgotten as he fought for his life. __Naturally, that fear only drew more Grimm down on him, until at last he tripped._

_"I'm afraid I don't have much time to play with you," his tormentor hummed, walking over his bare back. "The boss is busy with Maria, I'm just here as a courtesy."_

_"But why?!" Didn't he at least deserve to know the reason for this?! If he was going to die like this, he ought to know at least!_

_"Because you are a bully, my boy." Naruto's shadow clone exhaled in a put upon sigh. "And I despise bullies."_

_Cardin didn't even have time to scream as the Grimm swarmed him._

**(Previews)**

_Tap._

_Tap. Tap._

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

_"WILL YOU STOP THAT?!"_

_Summer Rose opened her eyes._

_And the first thing she saw was a devil's smile._

_"Welcome back." Naruto beamed. "That'll be one soul, please."_

_She jerked upright._

_"Kidding! I'm kidding!"_

* * *

_"Stop! Setting! Me! On! Fire!"_

_"I'm sorry, does this hurt?" Cinder purred. "Seems you can't do anything about it."_

_"You're right. I'm not allowed to harm you, per the agreement. However. Your mistress missed a loophole." Naruto's smile turned vicious as he climbed back to his feet, and her confidence guttered out. "If you're going to act like a brat, then maybe you ought to be one. Starting now."_

_Golden eyes narrowed. "Your tricks won't work on me."_

_A peal of bemused laughter greeted her. "No tricks here, kiddo."_

_Cinder raised a hand to blast him again, only for her world to lurch. __Why did everything look...bigger? Why were her limbs smaller? Why-urk?!_

_She felt her face drain of color as she looked down at herself. What was this?! Where had her chest gone? Her body?! __The now-ten-year-old gaped. __A hand shot down and plucked off the ground like a naughty kitten, dangling her from her too-large dress. She flailed at him with a startled shriek, her now girlish voice betraying her just as much as her lack of strength. What happened? Where had her power gone? __Why couldn't she hurt him?! She couldn't even use her Semblance!_

_"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"_

_"Humbled you." a shit-eating grin greeted her. "For the day at least. Now lets get you a change of clothes."_

_In the end, Cinder had two words for him. Very strong words. __"Fuck you!"_

_Her tormentor gasped. "Language!"_

* * *

_"You can't trust Salem." Ozpin swore. "Don't you see?! The world will burn if you honor this agreement. You'll doom us all."_

_"Your world has been already soaked in gasoline for ages, my good man." came the reply. "I'm just the spark."_

* * *

_Salem blew out a breath. __"Alright. He wants to play that way, does he? Hazel! To war!"_

**R&R~!**


End file.
